Every man is a potential rapist, so real men take the stairs. My physique attests to this.
No, I do not support Charlie Hebdo. Freedom of speech does not equal freedom from criticism, and Charlie Hebdo should be criticized.
Disclaimer: for the purposes of this post, bullets count as criticism.
Hello, my gentle fans. Today, in my neverending crusade for consumers’ rights, I shall talk about a topic cravenly evaded by my colleagues: paper-based DRM. While they waste their time complaining about games being released in a broken state, or content being cut in order to be sold as DRM, I’m tackling the real problems. I know it’s a heavy topic, but someone has to make a stand against this.
Ask yourself this, dear followers: a piece of paper is keeping you away from videogames? It’s absurd, it’s insane, it’s revolting, and yet publishers continue to lend their consumer base to the wiles of Big Paper. Well I won’t have it anymore, no matter how many more paragraphs I have to waste by patting my own back.
And it’s not just “look in page X of the manual” or a leaflet with codes. No, evils of the magnitude of paper-based DRM assume many forms, such as the dreaded code wheel. Taking consumers’ rights and spinning them until they fly off the face of the Earth, these devilish devices a threat to videogames.
I can only assume the deafening silence on this subject stems from fears of reprisal by the Pulp Lobby. But you know me, I can’t sit by idly when faced with such injustice, consequences and fear of ridicule be damned. Paper-based DRM is a very serious matter, and I’m sure history and Patreon will vindicate my bravery.
Hopefully next I’ll able to break to you similarly massive threats against consumers such as [teigger warning: phallic imagery] DRM dongles.
As the editor of 0HP, it is my pleasure to present for the first time our Gamers of the Year award. But alas, it is not as joyous as it might seem, for you see, its recipients are dead.
I’m talking about you. Yes, you, our not-so-dear audience! You have been elected by us as 0HP’s first ever Gamers of the Year, an honor without equal, and it’s extremely unfortunate that you can’t enjoy it seeing as you’re all dead.
Sure, some of my lesser colleagues like to pretend that when we loudly proclaimed that “gamers are dead” back in August we didn’t mean “gamers are dead”, only “some of them, you know, the ones we don’t like”. They’re being disingenuous buffoons, obviously. Whereas I cannot tell a lie: when we said you gamers are dead, we meant it. You were a revolting lot of entitled manchildren, who kick and scream at anyone who dares disagree with you. Why, if you weren’t dead you would probably be up to something moronic and puerile, such as proclaiming “gaming journalists are dead”.
So enjoy this prestigious award. It’s a shame you couldn’t receive such an honor before, but then again, if you weren’t kaput we wouldn’t even recognize your pitiful existence in the first place. You might be wondering what is to be done with your trophy. Worry not, for it will be pawned and the proceeds donated to a charitable cause chosen at random between my friends’ Patreons. At least in death you did some good by financing a Macbook and a few soy lattes.
Now off you go, you wretched lot. You’re of even less use to us now that you have passed away, because at least when alive you fell for our clickbait and affiliate ads. As it stands, be glad we deigned to so much as refer to you, crawl back to your king-sized coffins and stop ruining videogames with your well-sourced accusations of payola, cronyism and yellow journalism.
R.I.P. and you’re welcome.
It has come to my attention that when we dennounced camouflage controllers as a serious issue in the world of videogames, many people thought us as being alarmist or possibly even silly. Well, I’m here to disabuse such a notion and explain exactly why, far from being a waste of time, this was a bold move in our fight against imperialism.
Hello there, fans of videogame journalists.
You might be wondering what such an openly anti-GG sub-blog is doing here, in the middle of this vile den of misogyny and harassment. Well, the admin has seen the light, however momentarily, and decided that This Is Videogames was too clearly pro-GG, and invited professional, fearless journalists to show you the error of your ways. And 0HP was born!
Our first contributor is the leading voice in the burgeoning field of cultural analysis of disposable pop culture detritus, SSJ3 McIntosh. A culture jammer extraordinaire, you won’t find a more incisive and learned cultural critic this side of Youtube Poop videos.
Next up is the heavyweight champion of consumer rights activism, so long as we’re talking about the right consumers. Garcin Sterling, a man of conviction, never ceases fighting the good fight against whomever can be easily fought.
Last but definitely not least is yours truly, King Benjamin I The Wall. I’ll be the acting editor of this elite crew, providing both gaming news and insightful editorializing. Do not worry about finding false facts here, as these will be properly hammered until they fit the mould.
So let me welcome you into a new era of gaming journalism! Unless you’re a gamer. In which case, fuck you.